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How did the the drunkard summarize his drinking binge?

With a short schnapsis

181

What do you call a cat that steals things?

A feline felon.

1369

What are the great-great grandparents of an ant called?

Ant-cestors.

67

What did the man say after a meteor destroyed his house?

This really hit home.

2175

What scoring system is used for the sport of curling?

Curl marks.

2896

How did Bill like making food on the grill?

It was grate.

2966

How did Arnold react when he got the job as conductor of the orchestra?

It was music to his ears.

521

Whenever Emily had an appointment, what was her hope?

That it wouldn't be a dis-appointment.

2962

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless.

971

What do you lightening that starts a forest fire?

A match made in heaven.

1845

Why are lawyers happy?

Because they're always dealing with parties.

3127

What happened when Phil decided to do a brain transplant?

He changed his mind.

2068