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Akiva Lane
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Why did Alan give a tip to the bartender?

Because he felt tipsy.

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Why did Beth and Charlie spend their vacation in a run down motel?

The other places were full, and this was a last resort.

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Because Gus was always happy, what was his nickname?

Fungus.

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What is the difference between a lawsuit, a birthday, and politics?

A lawsuit has 2 parties, a birthday has 1 party, and politics has many parties.

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Why did Mrs. Roberts have only large pots in her kitchen?

She was embarrassed to ask a store 'Do you have a little pot?'

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What did Bill say when he found out that his hotel reservation was upgraded to 2 connecting rooms?

How suite it is!

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What did the Howard Knot Rope Company say about its competitors?

They're not Knot knots.

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What did Marty say when he was saved by a lifeguard named Sam Bell?

"I was saved by the Bell".

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Why did Sir Edmund Hillary climb Mount Everest?

It peaked his interest.

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Why did Bill get arrested when he was boarding a plane?

In a loud voice he said 'Hi' to his friend Jack.

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What will happen if the San Andreas Fault causes an earthquake?

It will be covered by no-fault insurance.

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What is someone called who lies about how much he eats?

Dish-onest.

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