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What do skyscrapers and libraries have in common?

They have a lot of stories.

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What are reporters who never retire called?

Permanent press.

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Whenever Emily had an appointment, what was her hope?

That it wouldn't be a dis-appointment.

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Why didn't Pharaoh believe anything Moses said?

It was in a State of de Nile.

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Why is a young man and woman going out called a 'date'?

Because dates are sticky, and both are hoping it will be sticky.

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How did Sam's parents react when he threw the cereal in the garbage without eating it.

They said he was a cereal killer.

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How did the comb feel after it had its teeth made thinner?

It felt fine.

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What did the artist do before he made a sculpture of a person's head?

He had to plan a head.

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If Washington is the most Southern face on Mount Rushmore, what is Lincoln?

The North Face.

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What food is this?

Apple Pie

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What do you call software whose sales are flat?

Flatware

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What is up and down at the same time?

When you go to sleep drunk, and feel down when you wake up with a hangover.

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