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Akiva Lane
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What is a dog called that swims back and forth in a pool?

A lap dog.

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Shane Ronay
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Which doctor would you want overseeing your bacterial infection?

The Chief of Staph

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Akiva Lane
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How did Arnold react when he got the job as conductor of the orchestra?

It was music to his ears.

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Akiva Lane
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How did ice cream get its name?

When you go on a scale after eating it, you scream.

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Akiva Lane
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Whenever Emily had an appointment, what was her hope?

That it wouldn't be a dis-appointment.

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Akiva Lane
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Why did Emily like making her bed in the morning?

Because then she felt like she had it made.

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Akiva Lane
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What grammar is similar to regretting the past and worrying about the future?

Past tense and future tense.

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Akiva Lane
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Why did Marty not want to get rid of his old beat-up car?

Because then he would be wreck-less.

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Akiva Lane
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Why did Martha feel bad for her calendar?

Because its days are numbered.

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Akiva Lane
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What excuse can be used by a person who drinks too much?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.

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Akiva Lane
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When the room where people were allowed to make mistakes closed down, how was it described?

Now there is no room for error.

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Akiva Lane
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What do bats celebrate when they come of age?

Their bat mitzvah.

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