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What do you call someone who believes only 12.5% in a Universal Being?

An eighth-iest

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How did Betty feel about her new job pressing clothes?

She found the pressing depressing.

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Why does the calendar have a good social life?

It has a lot of dates.

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How did Marty know what types of kitchen counters his customers really wanted?

It was always counter-intuitive.

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What type of tree is this?

A Pair Tree

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How did Bill react when he saw graffiti in his school?

He knew that the handwriting was on the wall.

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What do you call relatives who are sleeping?

Nap kins.

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Why didn't Bill promise his wife that he would be a billionaire?

Because that didn't look very promising.

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Why did men find it difficult to understand what Abigail Terious was all out?

She was Miss-terious.

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What is the government official in charge of the fence called?

The Minister of De Fence.

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What do you call software whose sales are flat?

Flatware

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What is the name of the rock band that sings about failure?

Rock Bottom

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